{"id":325,"date":"2016-08-04T22:15:32","date_gmt":"2016-08-05T05:15:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/b-spoke.net\/?p=325"},"modified":"2026-06-29T22:00:30","modified_gmt":"2026-06-29T22:00:30","slug":"mr-lovejoy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thirdactmedia.com\/b-spoke\/2016\/08\/04\/mr-lovejoy\/","title":{"rendered":"Giving Up Mr. Lovejoy"},"content":{"rendered":"
Thirteen Minutes<\/h6>\n

There is a great scene in the great movie Get Shorty<\/em> that has given name to a phenomenon I call the \u201cMr. Lovejoy \"people\"<\/a>moment\u201d.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s a moment which absolutely, positively depends on someone else not<\/span> doing or saying the wrong thing \u2013 and, despite all efforts to coach, train, and risk-proof the moment, that someone else becomes irresistibly drawn \u2013 as a moth to a flame \u2013 to doing or saying exactly<\/span> what was prepared against.<\/p>\n

I have experienced this my entire career \u2013 from staff meetings where we all agreed not to bring up budget shortfalls in front of bosses, only to have the first speaker cave and instantly point out the negative variance on page 7, line 32 \u2013 to discussions with real consequences.<\/p>\n

Several years ago, I was working with a large mineral company to develop a \u201cproject management mindset\u201d across all of its sites \u2013 subtly dislodging a core \u201cEngineering Services\u201d group that had become a de facto project office. The leader of this initiative on the client side \u2013 I\u2019ll call her Erin \u2013 got an idea that regional project managers should involve themselves in an ongoing 25 million dollar capital improvement initiative, and she wanted to sit down with Engineering Services to negotiate the entry point.<\/h3>\n

The rest of the team \u2013 client and consultants alike \u2013 did not like this idea. We knew Engineering Services was uncomfortable with internal \u201ccompetition\u201d, and we wanted to be certain that the \u201cdislodging\u201d remained subtle and painless \u2013 there were more than enough projects to keep everyone in Gantt charts for a while. We were still building the long-term plan to integrate project teams, it was way too early to discuss this. The long-term would require negotiation and finesse, and we did not want to agitate anyone until we were more comfortable.<\/h3>\n

We said to ourselves, \u201cWhat can go wrong with this approach, and with Erin\u2019s meeting?\u201d and we all agreed on one thing: Erin should make it clear that no one was trying to take over this build, and we were in no hurry to shift projects to local control. We made sure the slides clarified our desired status as observers only. We rehearsed with Erin, and we all said: Whatever you do, do not insinuate this is an attempt to take over this or any current project.<\/h3>\n

\u201cBut they\u2019ll want to know what our plans are! I\u2019ll have to tell them something!\u201d That\u2019s right, Erin, they will. Which is one reason why you shouldn\u2019t hold the meeting in the first place. So, be careful \u2013 be honest, but do not over-speak. Your plan is to observe the daily management and project controls of this crucial initiative. Remember that.<\/h3>\n

\u201cBut what if they ask about our plans for future years\u2019 projects? I\u2019ll have to tell them something!\u201d Erin, that\u2019s another reason why you shouldn\u2019t even be speaking to these people now. We simply do not know what will happen in the future. There are too many variables: your ability to recruit talent, capital approvals from overseas, our short-term success etc. Stick with the facts we know today \u2013 your plan is to observe the daily management and project controls of this crucial initiative. We discussed and rehearsed and wrote bullet points on white boards.<\/h3>\n

Cue up Mr. Lovejoy.<\/h3>\n

We had barely finished the opening Safety Share when the mine\u2019s general manager asked, \u201cSo who\u2019s running this project for me? You?\u201d pointing to Erin, \u201cor Engineering Services?\u201d<\/h3>\n

Erin leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms. \u201cI think once we see what\u2019s going on, the regional team can do it, and I think the consultants are just about ready with\u00a0a plan to do that!\u201d<\/h3>\n

Needless to say, our \u201cdevelop a project mindset\u201d initiative spent the better part of the next four months in damage control, and became more about negotiating who has the right to do what work, rather than elevating the skills and culture of the entire operation.<\/p>\n

Erin gave them Mr. Lovejoy.<\/p>\n

The Original \u2018Lovejoy Moment\u2019<\/h4>\n

https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=MtrZezQsRww<\/p>\n

In Get Shorty,<\/em> John Travolta plays Chili Palmer, a cool but second-rate mob collector with a love of old movies; he\u2019s dispatched to retrieve a gambling debt from Gene Hackman\u2019s Harry Zinn, a similarly two-bit producer of schlocky horror fare. Harry had been borrowing from loan sharks \u2013 and giving them producing credits \u2013 on his screamfests, but he took his last loan to Vegas in a failed attempt to parlay it into seed capital for his masterpiece: \u201cMr. Lovejoy\u201d. In addition to Chili\u2019s calling on the casino\u2019s marker, the loan sharks are after Harry as well. Chili senses a win-win \u2013 preventing Harry\u2019s legs from getting broken gets Chili into the movie business \u2013 and he agrees to meet with Harry\u2019s \u201cinvestors\u201d.<\/p>\n

Chili preps Harry \u2013 where he wants the visitors to sit (facing the open blinds), where Harry should be (standing behind them), but most importantly, what to say.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019ll be looking at you,\u201d Harry says, \u201cBut they don\u2019t know who you are.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right,\u201d Chili tells him. \u201cThey\u2019ll be saying, \u2018Who is this guy?\u2019 You don\u2019t say anything. Do not tell them who I am. OK?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut I gotta say something to them!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo you don\u2019t.\u201d Chili gives him sage advice: \u201cDon\u2019t tell them any more than you have to. You tell them their movie has been postponed. But don\u2019t tell them why. And whatever you do, don\u2019t tell them anything<\/span> about Mr. Lovejoy. You got that?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Two goons, a twitchy Ronnie and a cool Bo Catlett, enter the office. As Harry seats them, he makes introductions. \u201cThis is my associate, Chili Palmer, who\u2019ll be working with me.\u201d Chili is obviously disappointed.<\/p>\n

After some back and forth, Harry tries to get on message. \u201cThe main thing I want to tell you is, the start date for Freaks is being pushed back a little, a few months.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Ronnie is upset: \u201cWe have an agreement with you, man.\u201d<\/p>\n

Harry nervously replies, \u201cWe\u2019re gonna make the picture. I\u2019ve just got another project to do first, that\u2019s all. One I promised this guy years ago.\u201d<\/p>\n

The goon starts to get agitated, so Chili takes control with his legendary catch phrase: \u201cLook at me.\u201d \"look-at-me\"Everyone cools for a moment. Chili takes in the room, recognizes that Bo (Delroy Lindo) is in charge and begins negotiating with him directly. Things are tense, but contained.<\/p>\n

Tension makes Harry nervous \u2013 \u201cThis is the project, Mr. Lovejoy. I\u2019m not trying to pull anything on you guys. This is it, right here.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

As Chili stares, aghast, Bo finds his play. \u201cHarry, think we go to your movies? I\u2019ve seen better film on teeth. It doesn\u2019t make a difference which one our money is in. So how about you take our twenty points out of Freaks and put it in <\/em>Mr. Lovejoy\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

After they leave, Harry realizes Chili is unhappy. \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know, maybe I wasn\u2019t clear. But I thought I told you to keep your mouth shut.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI had to tell them something.\u201d<\/p>\n

And here Chili shares a corollary to his earlier advice. \u201cNever say anything unless you have to\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cYou tell me you want these guys off your back,\u201d Chili continues, \u201cNext thing I know, you\u2019re saying, yeah, maybe they can have a piece of Mr. Lovejoy. I couldn\u2019t believe my ears.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

What Causes a \u2018Lovejoy Moment\u2019?<\/h4>\n

A Lovejoy Moment is not the same as just saying the wrong thing at the wrong time \u2013 \u201cnice to see you\u201d at a funeral, \"where-you-been-harry\"for example. It is not a deliberate lie, nor is it intentionally destructive behavior like a gambling addiction.<\/p>\n

But it is an affliction that has been vexing people for generations \u2013 Edgar Allen Poe wrote of the man who pulls off the perfect crime, only to blurt a confession at the first awkward moment, in \u201cThe Imp of the Perverse.\u201d It is apparently widespread \u2013 the discussion boards on \u201cSocialAnxietySupport.com\u201d, for one, are filled with regretful posts about oversharing, misspeaking, and other signs of gibbering idiocy.<\/p>\n

Why does this \u201cimp\u201d trouble us so? Why do we give away a piece of Mr. Lovejoy when we don\u2019t want to?<\/p>\n

For one, we humans are terrified of silence. We are not used to it \u2013 televisions are always blaring nearby (airports, cabs, the building\u2019s lobby, even the finest restaurants), we keep our earbuds in, and everyone around us is always on the phone. We simply do not know how to handle even a few seconds of silence, made worse in meetings and presentations when all attention seems to be on us.<\/p>\n

Our natural instinct is to fill the void and address questions with the first response that comes to mind, rather than take a moment and consider a thoughtful reply. We use our words \u2013 inappropriate or not \u2013 as a shield against standing naked and mute in front others.<\/p>\n

If we are nervous or unsure about an outcome, we want to steer discussion away from that which we fear the most. Which means that we put ourselves on a collision course with the dread outcome. (No matter how many times you say to yourself, \u201cDon\u2019t stare at that thing on his nose, don\u2019t stare at that thing on his nose\u201d, there is no force on Earth that can make you tear your eyes away from that thing on his nose\u2026) Research has shown that soccer players instinctively stare directly at the spot they are most trying to avoid on penalty kicks \u2013 and they ultimately end up kicking where they are looking.<\/p>\n

\"soccer\"Daniel Wegner, in Science journal, wrote in 2009, \u201cKnowing the worst that can happen is essential for control. But sometimes this sensitivity backfires, becoming part of a perverse psychological process that makes the worst appear.\u201d<\/p>\n

It is never a bad idea to work through adverse scenarios, and figure out how to avoid them \u2013 and how to recover<\/a>; hence our prep with Erin before her meeting with Engineering Services. That said, sometimes identifying the disaster only trains our mind to seek it out \u2013 a Baadher-Meinhof phenomenon for bad meetings. If you tell someone at the start of a meeting not to look for the image of the white bear in your slide deck (regardless if there is one there or not, or even if you brought a deck at all), their attention will become pre-occupied with the quest.<\/p>\n

Our brains force us to think about things that we do not want to \u2013a remnant of a survival mechanism from our hunting and gathering days, perhaps. Normally, we are able to monitor these thoughts, and manage them \u2013 but when we are under stress, that filtration is interfered with. Wegner calls this a \u201ccounter-intentional error\u201d \u2013 a \u201cblunder so outrageous we think about it in advance, and resolve not to let that happen.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"index\"He cites experiments where subjects are asked not to think about a target word: \u201cwhile under pressure to respond quickly in a word association task, they become inclined to offer precisely that forbidden word.\u201d He advises people devote time to suppressing these thoughts.<\/p>\n

Many experts agree \u2013 speaking without thinking is an indication of a lack of inner peace, to be solved by mindfulness and meditation. There are plenty of self-hypnosis tools available (some of which might not actually be a scam), to help us engage our brains before our mouths. David Samuel, the \u201cEntrepreneur Monk\u201d, sees this more as a matter of selfishness \u2013 an inability to understand the impact of what we say on others. The implication is that we speak to relieve our own anxiety in situations, and that the perception that this is simply a self-control problem is false \u2013 it is an empathy problem.<\/p>\n

In my experience, it is a hybrid \u2013 a lack of understanding the impact of what we say (sometimes a lack of understanding of what we are in fact saying), let loose by a lack of control.<\/p>\n

\u2019I Had to Tell Them Something\u2019<\/h4>\n

We were redesigning some internal business processes for a large financial services firm, which would likely result in a huge restructuring. There was no chance of layoffs \u2013 or even significantly changed responsibilities \u2013 but there were programs that would be reassigned or discontinued, and working relationships would definitely be different. We sat down with Kevin, one of the one of the client\u2019s project managers to design a small \u201cstrike team\u201d to ensure that we properly balanced the needs of the business, its internal customers, and its consumers, when creating position descriptions and reporting lines.<\/h3>\n

We asked Kevin to provide us with three or four people, with different areas of responsibility, to serve as our advisory team. We tried to educate Kevin on why \u201csmaller is better\u201d, and told we would provide him with some talking points and criteria on how to select the right mix, so he could discuss it in staff meetings. Less than an hour later, he was back with a list of 29 people he had told could serve on the committee\u2013 all from one department!<\/h3>\n

He said, \u201cThey are all very concerned and want to participate.\u201d<\/h3>\n

We understood the concern, we told him, but it would be impossible to actually accomplish anything with so many people \u2013 wait a second. We told you we would give you bullet points and criteria to discuss \u2013 how did this happen?<\/h3>\n

\u201cOne of the managers caught me in the hallway and asked if she could have her people on the list. And another person wanted his department on the list. I didn\u2019t know what to say, so I said \u2018Yes.\u2019\u201d<\/h3>\n

\u201cBut we discussed that we were being thoughtful and conservative \u2013 and would present a plan at the next staff meeting\u2026\u201d<\/h3>\n

\u201cRobert,\u201d he said, eyes rolling, \u201cI had<\/span> to tell them something.\u201d<\/h3>\n

\"main-qimg-6dfa93d5b5f0fdedcb1b481b055cddba-c\"Calling Mr. Lovejoy!<\/p>\n

Kevin felt like he had to tell them \u201csomething\u201d because he had not taken the time to understand the plan, and the risk of not knowing<\/em> something in the moment seemed much greater than the mess<\/em> to be cleaned up later. In his case, much like someone who overshares oddly personal details, he blabbed the first thing that came to mind to relieve his own anxiety and make sure that his colleagues would like him.<\/p>\n

In most cases, it is simply a matter of balancing immediate and delayed consequences. Giving up Mr. Lovejoy means an immediate \u201chigh\u201d that stems from eliminating the stress of not knowing what to say, or alleviating guilt about making others unhappy; the delayed consequences \u2013 weekly committee meetings of 29 people trying to make a decision stretched out over month, having loan sharks owning part of your magnum opus \u2013 are impossible to imagine in that moment.<\/p>\n

When we feel insecure, we try to convince ourselves, and others, that we are in control. So when Kevin was unsure how to address his colleagues\u2019 demands, he took control by giving them what they wanted; when Erin was faced with a sensitive discussion with senior leaders, she took control by barfing out the alternative that granted her the most perceived power.<\/p>\n

Preventing \u2018Lovejoy Moments\u2019<\/h4>\n

The most obvious \u2013 if not necessarily the easiest \u2013 way to prevent a Lovejoy Moment is to clarify expectations<\/strong>. This does not mean quickly rattling off a list of instructions, as Chili Palmer does, and hoping for the best; nor does it mean asking something useless such as, \u201cDo you understand?\u201d or \u201cHave I made myself clear?\u201d The best plan is to ask open-ended, essay questions, and test for understanding.<\/p>\n

\"dab5bd80-4910-0133-8ef4-0e17bac22e39\"\u201cKevin, what will you say if someone asks if they can add more people to the team?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cErin, how will you describe our short- and long-term expansion plans?\u201d<\/p>\n

If there is any risk attached to the discussion or presentation \u2013 and, really, when is there not risk involved \u2013 take some time to map out so-called \u201cdisaster scenarios\u201d<\/strong>. Ask \u201cwhat can go wrong if we say this? Don\u2019t say that?\u201d, and really understand the impacts of the conversation going pear-shaped. If all parties appreciate the effect of giving up Mr, Lovejoy, then they will likely put some effort into holding on to him. (You may think there is no time to prepare; think of the amount of time you will waste if the wrong plan goes into effect.)<\/p>\n

Then, bring these notes to the discussion<\/strong>. Write down the \u201cwrong\u201d answers\u2013 not as a lure (\u201cDon\u2019t look at that thing on his nose, don\u2019t look at that thing on his nose\u2026\u201d), but as a reminder of negative impacts. \"Notecards\"Document why it is a wrong answer \u2013 for two reasons. First, if others want to force the issue, you have some clear answers already prepared. Secondly, it will serve as a timely prompt of the delayed consequences of bad answers. In other words, paint a picture of the regret<\/strong> you will feel from cleaning up any mess.<\/p>\n

If possible, in groups, speak last.<\/strong> Others may bring up better ideas, or may give up their own Mr. Lovejoys, before joy you have a chance.<\/p>\n

Listen carefully<\/strong> to the conversation, and to the question being asked. Clarify if necessary. It is not possible to say the wrong thing if you let others speak; and if you focus on understanding where others are coming from, you can find ways that meet their needs, without sacrificing your own.<\/p>\n

Slow down<\/strong>. Slow down your thinking, slow down your speaking, slow down your response time. Silence is never as long as it feels when we are the ones about to speak next. Good negotiators know this \u2013 and the Book of Proverbs is full of, well, proverbs, on the virtue of judicious silence. A pause in the conversation does not mean the meeting is off-track; frequently, it provides an opportunity for everyone to think.<\/p>\n

When a question is asked, it is not a race to provide the quickest answer, it is an opportunity to provide the best answer. And sometimes that takes time. If you have the best answer prepared already, great; otherwise, think before you speak. Maintain eye contact, but breathe in slowly, breathe out slowly, count to six, and then think of an answer. Consider the consequences of a wrong answer. If you can\u2019t provide a great answer, own that. \u201cThat is a great question, we had not considered it, let me get back to you [soon, this afternoon, when pigs fly]\u201d is an appropriate answer in most circumstances.<\/p>\n

Lastly, remember, relax control<\/strong>. There is no way to control for every possible outcome, so let it go. When Harry Zinn tried to take control of his secret project, has adversaries didn\u2019t even know there was such a thing; but the tighter he grasped it, the more fell through the cracks, and next thing we know, he\u2019s saying, yeah, maybe they can have a piece of Mr. Lovejoy.<\/p>\n

Save<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

‘I don\u2019t know, maybe I wasn\u2019t clear. But I thought I told you to keep your mouth shut.’<\/p>\n

‘I had to tell them something.’<\/p>\n

‘You tell me you want these guys off your back. Next thing I know, you\u2019re saying, yeah, maybe they can have a piece of Mr. Lovejoy. I couldn\u2019t believe my ears.’ Continue reading Giving Up Mr. Lovejoy<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":236,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[5],"tags":[35,50,57],"class_list":["post-325","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-managing-people","tag-featured","tag-meetings","tag-pop-culture"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/thirdactmedia.com\/b-spoke\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/lovejoy-featured1.png","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thirdactmedia.com\/b-spoke\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/325","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thirdactmedia.com\/b-spoke\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thirdactmedia.com\/b-spoke\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thirdactmedia.com\/b-spoke\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thirdactmedia.com\/b-spoke\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=325"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/thirdactmedia.com\/b-spoke\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/325\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2527,"href":"https:\/\/thirdactmedia.com\/b-spoke\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/325\/revisions\/2527"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thirdactmedia.com\/b-spoke\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/236"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thirdactmedia.com\/b-spoke\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=325"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thirdactmedia.com\/b-spoke\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=325"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thirdactmedia.com\/b-spoke\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=325"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}